How I Hurt
by ally.enchantress
Summary: A Lizzie Stabler centric story. What does Lizzie go through when she finds out something completely and utterly mindblowing about her best friend? A little trust goes a long way, but what happens when that little trust disappears? Maybe based on true stor
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this is an entirely Lizzie Stabler-centric story, tying to an ongoing experience of mine having to do with a "friend." This is related to her in some measure of closeness. It may or may not be exactly what I experienced. I may or may not be playing Lizzie the whole time. Think what you will. Anyway, this is probably going to have some Elliot and Kathy, and I'm thinking some Olivia too, but it will be mostly focused on Lizzie and what she's going through.**

**Disclaimer: The storyline belongs to me and my "friends" and our ongoing, cheesy soap opera of a high school group. Cailey, Lindy, Jeanine, and any other characters you don't recognize are mine. The people they are based on belong to themselves. Lizzie and whoever else I end up sticking in here that you recognize from SVU are the property of Dick Wolf. As of yet, I own nothing of his.**

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I walked beside Cailey as she went outside into the brilliant sunlight. A wind with just the right amount of chill swept past, whipping through my flimsy white jacket to my red-violet Old Navy shirt. I shivered a little, but the gusty days were something I'd gotten used to. Cailey had wanted to go outside, but she hadn't wanted to go alone, so I went with her. Maybe it was because, even though Dad didn't think I knew what he immersed himself in all day at work, I'd done research when I was younger and I knew exactly what he and Olivia saw. Maybe it was because I was paranoid, but I didn't ever want any of my girl friends to go outside alone. So I went with her. We sat on the dark green plastic picnic table, the top part not the benches, and Cailey let out a heavy sigh.

"What's up?" I asked. Maybe I had inherited Dad's intuition and just knew something was wrong. If it was what I thought it was, then, unfortunately, I already knew.

My best friend sighed again. "Lindy," she replied. "She's having problems."

So it _was_ what I thought it was. "Guy problems?" I said, hoping I wasn't stressing anything too much. She bit her lip.

"Yeah…In a way."

I nodded but didn't say anything. Cailey, however, continued, "If you…uh…didn't know already, she, uh…she was…"

"Yeah, I know," I told her awkwardly. I didn't like talking about this stuff, even if Kat had almost gone to jail for it.

Remembering the day I found out brought goose bumps to my arms.

***

_**6 Months Ago**_

"_Hey, Jeanine, what's up?" Lindy asked, catching the attention of a short, brunette girl who was walking around the carnival looking absolutely lost._

_She turned at the sound of her voice, and her big brown eyes snagged on us. A beeline was made for the two square feet of blacktop on which we were standing. "Hey Lindy, hey Lizzie. What are you guys doing?"_

"_Walking around and searching desperately for something to ride," I said with a grin. "Care to join us?"_

"_Sure!" she exclaimed, uber-enthusiastic as always. "We can ride that spinning thingy. What's it called?"_

"_The Vortex?"_

"_Yeah!"_

_Lindy and I had just been on the Egg Ride, as we called it, which sent you tumbling in little egg-shaped cases while you went around in a messed up Ferris Wheel, but we had tough stomachs and agreed, very excited, to take Jeanine on the Vortex._

_The line was torture. Poor us, we waited for what seemed like hours (even though it was only a few minutes) for two rides to get done before we could climb the dangerous-looking, colorful metal steps and step into the separate stations with open walls and a chain across the entrance. It was like a badly-made prison cell._

"_Yeah, so, technically, I'm still half a virgin."_

_What in the world? I turned my head to find the source of the very weird part of a conversation and found Jeanine and Lindy talking. What in the world?_

"_I don't know if that counts," Lindy said, completely oblivious to me listening in._

_Jeanine laughed. "Oh, you're one to talk! Come on, how many times have you done it now?"_

_I gasped. I couldn't help it. Lindy's back stiffened, and she whipped her head around to face me. "I didn't want you to know," she said._

_Oh. My. God. What the heck? EWW!!! Oh, God! I did not want to know that! But at the same time I was furious that she hadn't told me. Why had she done it in the first place? Why didn't she tell me? Why couldn't she trust me with that one simple detail? I stood there, speechless and paralyzed, as the ride spun faster and faster. Lindy had stopped looking at me and had gone back to talking to Jeanine. My mind was whirling faster than the ride, but I couldn't for the life of me follow anything it was telling me. It was telling me that, though I'd assumed since I'd met her that Lindy was a virgin, she'd had sex before. It was telling me I was wrong. It was telling me that she hadn't trusted me with this one thing._

_The ride slowed to a stop, but my mind bounced around like clothes in the dryer. Lindy looked at me, almost nervous. There was absolutely no emotion on my face. I just stared at her in mute disbelief. "I assumed you'd be mad, I mean you being the good Catholic girl and all," she told me._

"_I…" I didn't know what to say. "I…" I didn't know who this person in front of me was. "I…" I did know who she was. She was the same person I had always been friends with, I'd just found out something new about her. "No, I…it's okay."_

_It wasn't okay, but the relief on Lindy's face pained my heart. But still, no matter if I was still friends with her or not, no matter whether or not she cared enough to tell me this, it wasn't okay. It was most definitely NOT okay with me._

***

**Present Day**

"Okay," Cailey said, bringing me back to the present. "Well, she got rid of it, and…"

I blocked it out. It? She got rid of It? What was this It that she'd gotten rid of? Did it have something to do with…Oh, my God. "Wait…It?" I asked.

"Yeah, a few days ago, and now she's got to tell Adam…"

"Wait, stop." Oh, God. "She was…" I couldn't finish the sentence. Hopefully Cay got what I was trying to say.

"Yeah."

"And she got a…"

"Yeah." Cay stared at me like I was insane. "What the hell did _you_ hear?"

The bell rang. Back to class. I slid off the table almost robotically and practically staggered into the school and through the maze of open hallways to my history class. My head was spinning at ninety plus miles an hour again. The chair I sat in, the one attached to what I thought was my desk, was cold. Apparently I'd been gone long enough for my body heat to dissipate. Well, it matched my temperature inside pretty well. My stomach was twisting. I really hoped I didn't see my turkey and potatoes again. They hadn't even been that good. I took deep breaths and tried to calm down. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Maybe Cay had meant something else, and I'd only misinterpreted it because I'd already been thinking about something in relation. Well, I had math with Lindy next hour. I'd ask her then. Surely this whole thing could be cleared up very easily. There weren't many times that I overreacted, but it happened to me sometimes, just like everybody else. Nothing was wrong with that, right?

As soon as I'd managed to convince myself that I had misunderstood Cailey's words, I saw Jeanine enter the classroom and take her seat, and my world spun out of control once again.

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**So that's the first chapter. Tell me if you think I should continue! I feel for Lizzie, I really do. I mean, I can't imagine finding out that one of your best friends hasn't been a virgin for at least over six months. Sigh...It's tough, let me tell you. You're completely torn between wishing you never knew and mentally begging her to tell you these things so you know she trusts you.**

**Anyway, please review! Any advice you give me will hopefully be put to good use in both story and life situation! That may or may not have been a plea for help.**


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is a lot longer, so bear with me while you read it. It's really angsty and saddening, at least for me (I cried while writing the last paragraph). There's still no Elliot and Olivia presence, but I promise there will be in coming chapters! If you miss them, you're not alone. I do too, but the baseline for the story has to be set. That's what the first and second chapters are doing. Thank you for the reviews on the last one. Maybe we can make it to seven this time? Please?**

**Disclaimer: No, Dick Wolf doesn't pay me for using his stuff without permission. I know, I'm shocked too. He's still not answering my phone calls..........**

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I made my way to math class in a daze. I was going to see Lindy. I was going to see her, and I knew I was going to look at her with new eyes. I normally went to the commons for a bottle of water, but I skipped that today. The water fountains spouted the nastiest liquid I had ever tasted, except for that sour apple crap Dad had drowned my hand in when I was five to stop me sucking my thumb, but screw that.

My teacher was standing exactly in my way at the front of the classroom, so I had to go around, weaving my way through the rows of tables and chairs until I reached the one I shared with Lindy. I sent my thanks up to God that neither she nor Annie were present yet and took my seat, pulling my notebook and pencil out of my backpack and resting my chin on my hands. I was surprised my stomach wasn't reacting to the flip-flopping of my brain. I felt like I should be so sick I would be committed to the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital and never come out.

Lindy came over and sat beside me, smiling happily. "Hey, Lizzie," she said in that cheery voice of hers that, while obviously fun-loving, could never ever be described as perky. "What's up?"

She didn't wait for my answer, nor did I expect her to, because it was at that moment that Annie decided to join us. Lindy stood up, completely forgetting I was there, and started talking in a very loud voice, at least to my sharpened ears. I tried not to pay attention, I really did, but it was next to impossible with their conversation going on not a foot from me. Assuming she would tell me if she didn't want me to hear anything, I waited for her to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, Lizzie, could you not listen?" After all, I'd told her yesterday while she and Annie were talking very quietly together, glancing awkwardly at me every few seconds. This was right after Annie had asked me if I'd ever been kissed. I'd glanced over and said, "Guys, if you don't want me to listen I won't. You just have to tell me." So they'd made me plug my ears while they kept talking.

So I assumed they would remember that option. When I heard the word 'pregnant' I jammed my fingers in my ears so hard I thought I'd bust my eardrum. It was such a good idea. Too bad they were close enough to hear anyway. I tried so hard to think of something else. I tried remembering what book I was reading, I tried singing "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence in my head, but I couldn't stop their voices registering in my head.

They kept yammering on. My attention, unhappily fixed on their words, caught disconnected phrases like 'baby' and 'abortion' and 'it hurt' and 'not Adam's' and 'two days after we started dating' and 'staying with Monica' and 'they exploded'. Tears gathered in my eyes and started to trickle down my face. I knew it was self-centered, but did she care about me at all? She'd gone to such lengths to keep me from finding out, couldn't she at least try and keep it that way? She'd killed that baby. She'd just gone out and killed it. Everything about it was her fault, dang it. Her own stupid fault. She'd made the decision to have sex with some guy while she was dating Adam, and it was her own stupid fault that she'd gotten pregnant. She should be dealing with the consequences instead of just getting rid of it like nothing had ever happened. She needed to learn why she shouldn't be doing this in the first place, gosh darn it, instead of not being punished. I tried not to cry, but the tears flowed faster instead. I sniffled and wiped them away. Someone tapped my shoulder.

Looking up, I sincerely hoped my eyes weren't red and she couldn't tell I'd been crying. Lindy was still smiling. "Why are you covering your ears?" she asked.

"I assumed that you didn't want me to hear what you were talking about," I told her, trying to put as much of my pain into that once sentence as possible.

Apparently she didn't care enough to hear it, because the smile never wavered as she said, "No, we weren't talking about anything that important. You can listen."

I blinked away the tears that were gathering again and nodded, folding my arms on the desk and dropping my head into the hole they made. Annie took her seat and the teacher called the class's attention, saying it was day to review for the test tomorrow, our last test before Spring Break, which started on Friday. Today was Wednesday. Annie and Lindy began talking again, and I kept staring straight ahead, trying to keep from becoming a human faucet.

"So, when did you get rid of it?" I finally asked, looking at her with what I hoped was a brave face.

Both of them stopped talking. Lindy turned to see me. "You know about it?" she said incredulously.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and scream and never stop. _Yes, I know, you idiot!_ I wanted to yell. _You stood there two minutes and practically announced it to the world!_ She was honestly stupid enough to believe that I hadn't heard her? That I had selective hearing that reacted to her every wish? That I couldn't hear them talking two inches away from me when they weren't even bothering to keep their voices down? Obviously she hadn't wanted me to know. Well, then she could have freaking made a better effort to keep me in the dog gone dark, couldn't she?

"I just found out a second ago," I informed her. Once again, she didn't seem to care enough to make the connection. Technically, I hadn't found out from Cailey, because she'd never come right out and said it. I hadn't let her. So I'd still retained some vestiges of ignorance when I'd entered math class. Lindy had been the one who'd told me, and she hadn't even wanted to tell me. I'd found out on accident, just like it had been an accident when I'd found out about her loss of virginity.

"Are you okay?" she said, worry etched in her brow.

Well, I was honored that she still cared about losing my friendship. _No,_ I thought savagely. _I'm not okay! Did you honestly for a moment expect me to be?_ But that look on her face. Curse my heart. It was too soft for its own good. Though I knew I should say, _No, Lindy, I'm not okay. How could you do this, and on top of that, how could you not trust me enough to tell me,_ what came out of my mouth was, "No…but…I'm not gonna let it…uh…" I tried to imply the point I wanted to make because I just couldn't say, _It's not going to affect our friendship. My conscience wouldn't let me say it._

Lindy looked scared. "Look, Lizzie, if I could take it back, I would. If I could go back in time and change the past, I would! Really!" I noticed that, throughout her entire plea, she never once said she was sorry. So I didn't answer. I just smiled, thinking, _You can't take it back, though. So that doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter that you regret it now. You shouldn't have done it in the first place. You should have thought the thing through to the consequences, and then you should have stopped. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to Adam? How could you lie to us? You swore to me you wouldn't cheat on him! Just yesterday, you swore to me that you weren't the cheating type, that you would never ever cheat on Adam. How could you lie to me? How can I trust you now, since I can't tell when you're lying and it's obvious you don't trust me._

I nearly punched her in the face when she had the nerve to look me in the eye and say, "You know I really don't want your parents to know about this, right? The next time I come over to your house, I don't want them to look at me like…you know."

I nodded. No way was I going to tell Dad. Not only would he kill Lindy, he'd probably kill me too, and then lock me in my room for the rest of eternity while he fought World War 3 with Mom at home and Olivia at work.

The pair went back to talking, just the two of them, and I felt the jealously, dormant since I'd watched a girl I'd half-liked half-hated dancing with the guy I liked at the 8th grade dance, making the half-hate go straight to all-out hate, no matter how much I tried to reconcile with myself. The jealousy this time was directed at Annie. I hadn't even known she and Lindy were friends, and yet she knew all about this unexpected conception and abortion. The jealousy this time was directed at Jeanine. The first time I'd met her at the beginning of the school year, I'd gathered that she and Lindy were pretty good friends who'd known each other for a while, but she hadn't gone to our middle school. And yet she'd known about the loss of virginity before me, she'd known about the pregnancy before me, and she'd known about the stupid abortion before me. The jealousy this time was directed at Cailey. I'd thought that we were about the same height on Lindy's friendship scale, but I'd half-found out from her, and that was, again, by accident. Heck, _Kyle_ had found out before me. And she'd known him for less than a year, and he was a senior, and he disturbed the crap out of me. They'd all found out before me. She'd trusted all of them with this, but she hadn't trusted me enough to say anything. She'd decided not to tell me, not to trust me with this, and then she'd gone and lied to me, and she hadn't even bothered to make sure her deception went undiscovered.

She was asking Annie and me, now, what she was going to tell Adam. Scratch that. I was jealous of Adam, too, because he had found out before me. Apparently she'd told him and he wasn't mad, but he wanted to know why she hadn't told him sooner. She was flatly refusing to tell him it was because she was afraid of his reaction. At this moment, however much I wished it were different, I honestly and unavoidably could say that I hated her.

I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to scream and rage and hit her until she told me why. I wanted her to tell me why, when I trusted her with every explicit detail of my day, she couldn't return the favor. But most of all, I wanted to go back in time with her and knock some sense into her so I didn't have to watch as every facet of trust I'd ever had in her caught fire in her hands and burned in bright red flames until they crumbled to ash in her palms and she poured them into my cupped hands saying, "Here. I don't want them anymore." But, as I'd already realized, it didn't matter that I wanted to do it now, because I couldn't. I couldn't go back and tell her exactly what I thought any more than I could stop the useless scraps of the immeasurable trust I'd put in her from slipping through my fingers and falling to the purple carpet where they disappeared without a trace. Never to be seen or heard from again. Of that I was certain.

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**So, what did you think? I promise some Elliot and Olivia, or at least one of them, in the next chapter, so bear with me! I mean, Lizzie's gotta tell someone, doesn't she? Who's she gonna talk to? Guess in the review! You might be right!**


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